Hypothetical Emergency Situation... TwitterMobile

OK, so you think you’re secure do you?

You’re on Facebook and Twitter with 1500 friends, all of whom would risk life and limb to protect you. An emergency situation happens and all you have with you is your cell phone or iPod.

How fast can you fat-finger "HELP (expletive deleted)" on the key pad? If you did that, how could you let people know what’s happening?

Remember Mrs. Fletcher, who fell and couldn’t get up? Well, those little dispatch devices are no longer maintenance supported by LifeCall. It went out of business. Somewhere in San Francisco, Forest Gump-Chow is lying on the floor with a broken femur at the Peking Moon, after drinking too much sake, and is sending an alert to LifeCall. Jenny is in Rio, and the signal is lost somewhere in space debris.

In view of this situation, I have developed some three-digit 900 codes that you can preprogram and transmit, or Tweet to your Twitter friends that will explain any emergency, especially the embarrassing ones that prevent you from providing details or calling 911. I call it the “Brethren of the Coast” list:

912 – I’m in excruciating pain, caught in my zipper at the office, bring Darvon and pliers

913 - I’m in excruciating pain, caught in my zipper at home, bring Darvon and pliers

914 - I’m in excruciating pain, caught in my zipper at the Mall, bring Darvon and pliers

915 – Code Vegas, come quick, I’m at the office

916 – Code Vegas, come quick, I’m at home

917 – Code Vegas, come quick, I’m at the club

918 – Code Vegas, come quick, I’m at the [customize the blank]

919 – I just ran over your cat

920 – I just ran over your dog

921 – I just ran over your mother-in-law, bring a shovel

922 – Help! I failed my superhero role-playing fantasy; I’m on top of my garage

923 – There’s an 800 lb. gorilla in my room, bring coffee

924 – Dumbass emergency, call my cell phone

925 – I’m at the police station, bring donuts and money

926 - Dooood!

927 – The battery died in my remote control, bring Xanax and batteries

928 - I'm shaving my legs in the sink, leg is stuck, bring wax

929 - I'm cleaning the oven, hair is impossibly stuck in the overhead broiler coils, bring scissors.

930 – I’m locked in my car!

931 – I just had an accident, bring clean underwear

932 – Got your message, flipping you the bird