Thursday, April 30, 2009

Yo Quiero Tinker Bell!

You are going to find this difficult to believe, but a Chihuahua in Michigan named “Tinker Bell” got caught in a 70 mph gust of wind and landed safely about a mile away.

Read News Article

No one knows why Dorothy and Lavern Utley named their six pound Chihuahua, Tinker Bell, but if you have ever owned a Chihuahua, you already know that the breed is nervous by nature. Chihuahuas will sit and shake like a bowl of jello if you simply raise your voice around them. They are perpetual nervous break downs in a noisy city; but taking a Chihuahua on a 70 mph one-mile ride, like the tornado in “The Wizard of Oz”,” is probably worse than riding the Millennium Force roller coaster at Cedar Point in San Dusky, OH.

Not to worry though, Tink survived and landed a date with the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Democrats Welcome Back Kotter

Everyone is making such a big deal out of Senator Arlen Specter switching parties and the Twitters are going wild.

People seem to forget that back in the 1960s when he was an Assistant DA under Jim Crumlish and the South Philly "Sweathogs" all worked for Angelo Bruno and Antonio Caponigro, Specter was a Democrat. Then, when he wanted to run for District Attorney in 1965, he switched to Republican.

By the time The Cisco Kid ran for mayor, Specter had already made his bones on Capitol Hill and finally won the Senate seat in 1980.

He was glad to be out of Philadelphia politics, as Andrea Mitchell was constantly locking horns with the Big Bambino (Frank Rizzo) and all hell broke loose. Accusations were flying about the police department being used for espionage and rumors had Mayor Rizzo and Republican Richard Nixon in bed together. This does not include the solid gold door knob from hell on Rizzo's house.

"I have found myself increasingly at odds with the Republican philosophy and more in line with the philosophy of the Democratic Party," Specter said at a recent news conference. "I am not prepared to have my 29 year record in the United States Senate decided by the Pennsylvania Republican primary electorate."

You can read the entire article here.

Welcome Back Kotter!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

People Actually Gauge Farts on Twitter

I was checking the web site today and found this article about a guy named Randy Sarafan, who has roughly 200 people on Twitter following his farts.

This takes office boredom to an all time low.

Apparently, Randy rigged his office chair to detect the methane density of his farts. Then, he transmits the information to his Twitter followers.

The technology is not complicated and involves a natural gas sendor, Arduino, and XBee wireless.

I couldn’t believe this, so I went out on Twitter to find Randy Sarafan.

Instead, I found @captainfart with 2,322 followers, with a stink-o-meter, @fart_master, @fartsandwich, and a few others with fewer followers.

America’s new preoccupation:

Friday, April 24, 2009

Can You Think and Chew Wrigley's at the Same Time?

Wrigley's is sponsoring a study trying to determine if chewing gum in the classroom results in less stress and higher grades for students.

I could have told them that it does without the expensive study. After all, I wore the stuff on my nose often enough when I got caught with it in school. Plus, the advertising mascots, the Doublemint Twins, had their pictures glued to the inside of 70% of the boy's lockers.

When report cards came out, those with the mascots and fewer blackheads on the tips of their noses, got higher grades than the kids on Riddlin, broiled fish, and spinach:

Click here to read the Case Study

According to the study, Wrigley says that the reason schools ban the use of chewing gum is because of bad disposal habits. Janitors claim to have found the stuff stuck to chairs, desks, under tables, and on the walls in the John. I maintain that the primary reason gum is banned is because of the cracking noise some people make while chewing. It often sounds like a Colt 45 going off in the lavatory, or the grand finale to an Emeril Lagasse "Cajun Cooking with Dynamite!" show, I gar-on-tee!

Now, if Wrigley was smart, it would get someone in the lab to manufacture a grainy fluoride wonder that can be chewed in lieu of brushing. Kids hate to brush their teeth and adults are often too busy working, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, helping with homework, car pooling to and from the gym, or walking the dog.

As a working mother, I actually slept through a NASCAR race once. While the pit crew was loudly sucking off the lugs and changing the tires on the Juicy Fruit car, I dreamt that I was writing a Stephen King-type novel about a vacuum cleaner that contained a black hole from the Large Hadron Collider and sucked up half of Switzerland. Just as I was about to give the monstrosity a title, some red-neck Godzilla from Dover, Delaware, startled me when he jumped up and yelled "YEAH! JUAN MONTOYA!" He had a very hairy back where the number 42 was neatly shaved out. I was pissed, as that was the first time in six weeks I was able to take a productive nap.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Life is Like a Box of Chocolates

My friend Ethel and her husband, Stan, a former Marine MP, were doing their usual Saturday morning routine with the kids, motivating them to do their household chores.

Jody, the family boa constrictor, was isolated from the kid's hamsters: Freddie, Turk, Max, and Snapes - their favorite pets. The last one came to live with them after young Albert read "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets."

Freddie was minding his own business running around in his cage and the kids were sound asleep. It was 06:00 hours.

"Hit the deck!" Stan yelled.

No one stirred.

Stan got pissed.

Nudging the youngest off the bunk, you could hear the whining and stomping of little feet.

"Every time you stamp yo' feet
Jody gets a piece of meat.

One, two,
Sound off!

Three, four,
Cadence count!

One, two, three, four

One, two, three, four."

... and then there were only three hamsters.

Stan was an avid neat/clean freak. He got anal about everything from lint to water droplets in the sink. He also had psoriasis, which meant that Ethel and the kids were constantly picking up remnants of strak epidermis that once served in Kuwait.

Freddie had met his demise that day, but all of the household chores got done.

There must have been a lesson to be learned from that, but me and Ethel couldn't figure it out. I live right next door, so she would always come over shaking her head and I would get out the Parrot Bay.

We lamented about writing the lyrics to a Country Western song. We decided to call it "The Youngin's of Semper Fi."

On Sunday morning, this news article URL was posted (yellow post note) and pasted to the box of nails that Stan usually ate for breakfast. The note was left by his asthmatic child:

Click here to read the News Article

There was also a 1,000-word essay attached complaining about the weekly boot-camp routine. The author was listed as "anon:"

"Dear Dad, Sir!" the note began, "Mom and I are sick of buying hamsters even though this is proof that the lice are good for my asthma and Jody would rather eat mice anyway. My friend, Ralph, says that we are all a bit dysfunctional, but at least his dad gives them an extra 10 minutes before getting out the riffle and pelting them all with the paint balls... and will you quit calling Max 'Maggot'?"

A few expletives later, I poured Ethel a very dry martini with olives. There was a bit of orange acrylic still dripping off her nose...

"I burnt the English muffins" she said.

"When's the court-martial?" I asked.

"As soon as Albert washes the car, mows the lawn, and Snapes gives him 50 push-ups"

Sunday, April 19, 2009

The Art of Self Defense - Root Cause Analysis?

It was an off-night at a beauty salon in Kaluga, Russia, when an armed robber entered the salon and attempted to rob customers and the owner. However, the 28-year-old owner happened to have a black belt in martial arts and she also had a bottle of Viagra.

She quickly disarmed the man and bound him with an electrical cord from a hair dryer. This is where the Warren Beatty film “Shampoo” leaves off and a modern remake of “Sex Slave” takes over.

According to police, the owner allegedly gagged the man and handcuffed him to a radiator for 48 hours in the back room. She then forced him to consume some Viagra and had her way with him multiple times.

She held him against his will like that for two days, seriously injuring his genitals.

He claims that she violated him in between giving permanents and hair coloring jobs out front and is not sure if she washed her hands or not. His wallet was also missing.

The website says “the man filed a complaint asking for the hairdresser to be brought up on charges for ‘actions of a sexual nature.’ The hairdresser filed a complaint seeking armed robbery charges against the robber.”

"I don't know what's going to happen now," quoted a police source as saying. "We could put both of them behind bars: him for robbery, her for rape and assault."

Upon hearing about this story, two American patrolmen decided to do some root cause analysis:

News Source

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Taxes and Tea Parties

Someone tossed a box of Lipton tea bags at the White House yesterday to kick off our national Tea Party. All across America, in every town and city, tea party protests were being held on income tax day.

Americans are up in arms about the stimulus and taxes.

It was cold outside, so our local protest was being held at Salerno's Bar and Grill. All the kegs of beer were replaced with micro brew specialty teas and had theme signs, one of them read "It would be so nice if something made sense for a change," "Tut, tut, child! Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it" read another. Someone laced the kegs with gin, adding to the festivities.

All the old Woodstock crowd showed up and "Strawberry Fields Forever" was playing on the jukebox. A trio sat in the back singing a warped version of "If I Were a Carpenter," eluding to the fact that if you can't afford a house, you should build it yourself and declare a tax credit.

Salvatore Pasquale, a former accountant for the South Philly mob, set up a booth for people filing extensions or last-minute returns. His sign read "Stimulus 101: Screw the Government Here."

It got too cold and crowded at Salerno's, so me and a few of my friends popped in on Dan and found him helping his cat with a 1040 Schedule A.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Rod Blagojevich Should Have Been a TV Evangelist

Rod Blagojevich should have been a TV Evangelist, only he wouldn't be getting a 4-star rating on digg like Bayless Conley. He's full of infamous "not guilty" pop-psyche twaddle and homilies.

The Reverend Alberto VO5 is charged with attempting to sell/auction off Obama's vacant Senate seat, conspiring to extort money from vendors bidding on state business, and plotting to flex the muscle of the Illinois Governor's Office to intimidate the Chicago Tribune enough to fire reporters calling for his impeachment.

No one knows if the seat was up for auction on eBay.

My friends at Mama Mia's in South Philadelphia are making book as to how long it will take Rod to find Jesus.

"Hey, Rosa, maybe he be reincarnated froma dat guy, Sam Kinison. Ya know, da one who used to know Jesus, but got rich. Disa way, Rhoda get thrown in prison, get poor, looka the 4 walls, and one of da plaster holes becomma Jesus." Mrs. Giordano said.

"Yeah" added Vito. "He comma outside in Illinois and da black hand, day get him. I guessa he better finda Jesus, ya know what I mean?"

"Where did he get the hair, anyway? Asked Mrs. Giordano's granddaughter. "Is he related to Joey 'The Rug' Libertino? I don't get it, governors getting convicted on RICO charges? What did he tell his kids at the dinner table every night before he was accused, 'Have some more lobster, daddy just sold two senate seats and got a gold star, but don't tell anybody?' Tell me nobody knew! I bet ya three shots of sambuca and a St. Pauli Girl he had a lot of accomplices."

"Aspetto" Vito said, "He usa da campaign money, so no moe hair weaves froma Max Fiff Avenue. I gotta hundred dollas saysa he get 20 years."

Sunday, April 12, 2009

In Your Easter T-Shirt

Do you remember the days when everybody had a little touch of class on Easter Sunday?

We went shopping and bought new clothes, a great looking hat, white gloves, and purse. Now, the new outfit is a pair of jeans and a wild rabbit t-shirt with the slogan “bite me” on the front. The white gloves became a car wash and the purse for all this is a mere $19.95.

Two ladies I know change their profile pictures on Facebook Easter Sunday to those of them wearing wide brim 1950s-style Easter bonnets, but then they actually schlep around the house all day in their pajamas drinking Malibu Bay Breezes and Cosmos, while the kids come over in colorful Easter egg t-shirts that read “I got Laid.” No wonder they drink.

Dinner is another story. Some Italian friends I know always had Italian wedding soup, mussels, antipasto, lamb (one that actually ran around in the garage for a few days before he got whacked) and loads of side dishes. I sent one of them an e-mail asking what delicious delicacies were destined for the Easter table this year. The response I got was a bit disappointing – Chinese take out, Bona Pasquala!

Not only that, but our new President is now telling everyone that we are no longer a Christian nation, and the Pope is ready to have a coronary, as a priest from Notre Dame invited the President to speak at the Catholic University. Additionally, Caroline Kennedy is getting lambasted in the media and by the church for being nominated as an Ambassador to the Vatican, as pro-choice - you know?

I believe that we should return to our old value system and celebrate Easter and Passover with a little class:

Friday, April 10, 2009

Gigante's Ghost Steals Bike

Vinnie "The Chin" Gigante's ghost was seen making off with a 1943 Huffy in Lewiston, Maine.

The Chin, who in life was the middle child in the schitzo family of Salvatore Gigante (one kid was a priest) and the boss of the Genovese crime family, wanted nothing to do with New York urban life, so he decided to come back to haunt this small community of about 35,000 residents.

Residents in a nearby nursing home where the bike theft took place, often see him in his bathrobe and slippers lifting the seats on all the commodes as part of his "bug act," so that Olympia "The Amazon" Rigatoni wouldn't try to mess with him.

Olympia, the night nurse, sat on cold porcelain about 15 times during the month of March alone, when temperatures were still below freezing and icicles formed quickly. On the Ides of March, the alleged apparition of the "Oddfather" ran up and down the hallways tugging on the end of a large roll of Charmin, leaving 5,000 double-ply sheets in the hallways.

The stolen 1943 Huffy belonged to 83-year-old Ruth Slovenski of Lewiston. However, rumor has it that she was once a gun moll and became a cooperating witness in 1943. The Huffy was a gift from ex-boyfriend Eliot Ness, who used her apartment to get out of working during the Harlem Riot of 1943. He told his supervisors that he was on to a new stoolie and needed the time to establish a relationship. He couldn't afford to buy her a new car on $12 a week, so he bought her the Huffy, saying that the exercise would be good and he liked the sound of her deep breath when she peddled uphill.

Slovenski told police that the bike had significant sentimental value and that It had one distinguishing mark, so that they can recognize it in lost and found. Her granddaughter "The Pepsi Girl" was still sitting in the wire basket trying to make Gigante an offer he couldn't refuse.

News Source

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Great Balls of Fire!

A Chilton, Wisconsin, man is being detained in connection with an alleged arson. The suspect, Senior Gondolas Sin Pelo, claims that he was cleaning up his apartment with gasoline, got exhausted, lit up a cigar and all hell broke loose.

Why the gasoline?

Apparently, he was siphoning gas and went indoors to wash his hands. He turned a door knob that hadn’t been cleaned in 15 years with his gas soaked hand and all the old dried up Chicza Mayan rainforest chewing gum slid off. He got so excited, that he filled up an empty bottle of spray cleaner with gasoline, put on some Salsa music, and cleaned up the whole place. Oh la chispa! It was beautiful!

However, when he finally relaxed, took his clothes off, and lit up a nice cigar, the apartment exploded.

By the time Menasha police got to the scene, Senior Sin Pelo, was screaming and singing a Jerry Lee Lewis hit tune “Great Balls of Fire.”

The other 11 smoked-out tenants in the apartment complex were angry and refused to pour flour or corn starch on him. As a result, his face looked like a chili rellenos special without the egg white coating.

I think he might be eligible for the 2009 Darwin Award.

News Source

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Man Absconds with the Scampi

A 46-year-old man in Massachusetts, named John "Jimmy the Selkey" Silvera, thought to have a shrimp fetish, has confessed to being a serial shrimp shoplifter. The police arrested him after his last heist at the local Salem Market Basket, where he had already stolen over $500 worth of frozen shrimp.

He assaulted a police officer with the frozen product when he got caught. He also went on a serial rampage for the crustaceans in Methuen, Mass. However, he waived extradition to face charges from a Market Basket there.

Why would anyone steal shrimp? I asked.

Well, during his Mirada reading, Jimmy took the 5th, but sources close to the case say that he is a descendent of a real Selkey, and like in the film “The Secret of Roan Inish,” was using the shrimp to lure the seal maids to his dwelling along the coast, as he was on a humanitarian mission.

News Source