Saturday, August 28, 2010

August 28, 2010 – Beck Had a Dream

"You're going to see the spirit of God unleashed." ~ Glenn Beck

As the “Rally to Restore Honor” takes place today, you should know that Dr. Alveda King will be on hand to speak, making sure there are no drive-by shootings by the far left in front of the Lincoln Memorial.

A recap of the event will be available at Insider EXTREME, for big bucks. If you are among the poor, unemployed Americans, you are S.O.L. However, you can go to "The Kid From Brooklyn" website and get the inside scoop a little cheaper.

If all else fails in Washington, DC, a FoxNews spokesperson recommends listening to the message of Neil Cavuto:



Louis Farrakhan will speak on Scooby Doo.



Tom Hagen quit his day job as Consigliere to help people find Jesus:



The FDA admitted that if it had to label the far left for the rally, they would be stamped on their foreheads accordingly:

egalitarianist
communist
anarchist
Lenninist
Trotskyist
Luxemburgist
feminist
green anarchist
Maoist
anarcha-feminist
veganarchist
pacifist
Check the label, don't be fooled.

So, I say, when both sides figure out how to survive together without labeling, the world will be a better place and they might get a bigger turnout for celebration.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Paul the Octopus Embassador for 2018 World Cup



© Parry Gripp

Paul the psychic octopus is making headlines again. This time, he has been selected as an ambassador for England's bid to host the 2018 World Cup.

Read news article

Several weeks ago, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad locked tentacles with the popular cephalopod. He unjustly accused Paul of being a spy and spreading Western Propaganda.

Ahmadinejad said that "Paul is a symbol of all that is wrong with the western world.” He probably bet on the losing teams when Paul accurately predicted the winners in all eight World Cup matches.

Read the news article

Someone stood in front of Paul's tank and read the news article to him. Boy was he mad! Bubbles began rapidly rising and bursting at the surface of the tank and he uttered what sounded like "Tozz fiik" in ink. A bystander said that means "screw you" in Mahmoud's native language.

Paul was born in England in 2008 and currently resides in a comfortable tank suite at Sea Life Centre in Oberhausen, Germany. Not only is Paul not a spy, but I doubt that he even knows what propaganda is, let alone distinguish it as either eastern or western.

Paul, nicknamed Zhangyu Di (Emperor Octopus) in China, has also taken that country by storm. Stuffed octopus toys are selling like pooda and a full-featured biography is being filmed.

The leader from Iran, not only believes that Paul is psychic, but that he has some negative impact on society. Mahmoud is responsible for his country's economic lapses and total disregard for human rights; but, is he thought infallible on matters of psychic octopodes?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ya Homaar should call 1-800-GAMBLER.




© 2010, Valenta, All rights reserved.

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Friday, August 20, 2010

Do We Really Need More Sex?

Sexologist and sexuality educator, Logan Levkoff, Ph.D., has been getting inquiries from guys asking how they can get more sex with their wives. I didn’t think they needed more than one shot and you’re good for the whole day, but what do I know?

Read 5 WAYS TO GET YOUR WIFE TO HAVE MORE SEX WITH YOU

I was intrigued by this perceived notion that they needed more, so I invited a few friends over for girl talk. Only two could spare the time to come over, Eileen and Helen. So, I made coffee, took a cake out of the freezer, printed out three copies of the article and set them on the table.

My friend Helen is married to an anal retentive housekeeper. Since he retired, he has taken charge. It’s a complete role reversal. She commands the lounge chair and the remote control and says things like “Hon, can you get me a beer?”

Eileen is in a second marriage with a guy, who is still paying alimony and child support for five kids. She has to work, but is off today. Rather than stay home and have sex, she decided to come over to see what all the fuss was about.

“Yo!” Helen said, while reading the article,“Take away the Ph.D and she is a dominatrix.”

“I’d let him grope, but I can’t afford it.” Eileen responded.

“Right!” I said, “Just what I thought. Most of these experts lead sheltered lives.”

I took a poll and also found out that none of us watch “Desperate Housewives” either, except for Helen’s husband Ralph. He even has the CD collection and often fantasizes while doing laundry.”

Just then the phone rang, it was Ralph looking for his wife. I could only hear half the conversation.

“What do you want?” Helen asked.

“So, toss some baking soda on it and put a lid on.”

“The fire extinguisher is in the hall closet.”

“Don’t cry, we can eat out, it’s OK”

“Yes you can use it on the cat’s tail. The snippers are in the top drawer.”

“I’ll be home in an hour. I want to ask you something.”

“Do you feel you are getting enough sex?”

“Never mind who’s listening.”

“No, you don’t have to strip and put on the tool belt.”

“I love YOU more.”

“No, I love YOU more.”

“Later.”

She hung up the phone and said “So what’s the big deal? He can get laid anytime he wants.”

“I’m waiting for 2012,” Eileen interjected.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Smokey and the Buckfast Honey Bees

"I saw that, you sombitch! You did that on purpose! You're going away till you're gray! I got the evidence!" ~ Buford T. Justice

It was a real life scene from “Smokey and the Bandit” in Wake County, North Carolina, yesterday. Sheriff’s Deputy Brandon Jenkins was trapped for over three hours inside his patrol car, which was swarmed by 50,000 Buckfast honey bees.

Read news article

The truck driver, who was transporting the bees, was trying to take a nap on the side of the highway, but the bees were getting a bit testy and kept him awake. So, he figured that he would let them out for some exercise. The hive was still in the truck, so the bees hung around outside.

Along came Deputy Jenkins in his marked Dodge Charger with a spotlight checking the truck’s stickers. The bees didn’t like it and became hot and bothered.

One-by-one they landed on Jenkins’ windows blocking his view.

Jenkins became suspicious and thought that the driver was wanted in another State and had trained the bees as scouts and lookouts. So, he got the radio dispatcher to run the license plate of the truck.

“I got the first three numbers, and then a swarm of bees lit on my windshield,” he told the dispatcher.

“No, I haven’t been drinking Jethro’s moonshine. I need a backup and a beekeeper!”

“Did you hear me, boy?”

“Stop laughing and call the Sheriff. I’m going to die out here.”

“I tried blowing them off.”

“Yes, I used the damn gas pedal.”

“Don’t you get it? They are stuck on here!”

“I can’t go faster, I can’t see, you idiot!”

“A grip? I’m going to kill you, boy!



Sunday, August 15, 2010

Green Pigs and the Mosque

Excitement is heating up over the proposed site of the new mosque near Ground Zero. Critics are up in arms saying it is an insult to America, while Obama is approving its construction in Manhattan on the site of the 152-year-old Burlington Coat Factory only two blocks away.

Of course, I had to investigate the whole fiasco. So, I went online and looked up old maps of Manhattan Island. I found that in 1644, Dutch Colonists owned the site and it was used primarily to grow tobacco and raise pigs. There are copies of the old maps on the Internet if you care to find them. Just Google “Manhattan Early Maps.”





When I zoomed in on one of those maps, I found a scattering of green spots. It piqued my interest, so I started looking up green pigs and leprechauns.

Wow! A solution! The only pig-free area back then was in an area now known as the Corporate Limits of Hoboken, NJ.

I also discovered that pig feces is not biodegradable, but stays in the soil for thousands of years. It is a source of many microbes and bacteria. Radon gas is a close comparison to what happens to pig feces when it is absorbed into the soil. I guess I should e-mail Governor Paterson.

While researching, I also found the history of green eco-pigs on YouTube. The breed still exists. I hope you like it. It shows how the area of NYC, just off the Holland Tunnel, must have looked in 1644, only they dressed differently and didn't cage the little rascals:



Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Interviewing a Fed-Up

In the old days, ordinary citizens were called the silent majority; today, we are known as Fed-Ups and Tea Partiers. I guess some of us joined a tea party because the political BS arena was getting a bit too convoluted and over-brewed. We need to make a difference. The Fed-Ups, on the other hand, are just saying “meh!” until the next election.

This morning I found only one interview that echoed my own sentiments about politics and the national economy.

We are faced with Wall Street slumps, a Ground Zero mosque, a flight attendant singing Johnny Paycheck’s “Take This Job and Shove it,” a landslide in China that killed 1,100 of our creditors, Tiger hitting bottom, the rise of the stay-at-home husband, and gluten-free food that you don’t want to eat.

Here are my sentiments:

Saturday, August 7, 2010

‘The Plan’ According to Uncle Harry

This morning, I was craving apple fritters with cinnamon. I made extra because I knew the aroma was going to travel across the back yard into Uncle Harry’s window. His apartment is way too close to my kitchen and he can’t resist the smell of apple fritters. He knocked first, and brought his own brown sugar.

He had a copy of The Times and was chuckling about an article regarding Glenn Beck and “The Plan.”

Apparently, the source of his amusement was the fact that Beck has been telling people that God has given him some inside scoop on a master plan.

Read news article

“In my generation, at his age, we didn’t question any plan,” he said. “You woke up in the morning, ate breakfast, took out the garbage, and went to work. Recyclables were invented later, by man.”

“Yeah, well the media has to sell corn flakes,” I responded. “If they didn’t question a plan or something political, they’d be off-the-air.”

“Every Christian I know, understands that we have all been saved already. Two thousand years later and they think it didn’t take the first time?” He asked. “Beck should just chill about God and stick to politics.”

“If he did that,” I said, “We’d have Obama getting impeached for being a communist because he read Woodrow Wilson’s book ‘On Being Human.”

“I think God would have to direct him to the 11th Commandment, you know, the text that didn’t wrap on Moses’ stone ‘Mind Thy Own Business.’ It’s His plan, who’s Beck? There are only two things I know of that can make you go blind - locking yourself in the bathroom ...”

“OK, don’t get nasty.” I said.

“Well, honey, I don’t need the news media trying to instruct me about God any more than I’d listen to a Putin interpretation of my civil liberties. They all have some insidious motive.”

“OK, so don’t listen,” I said. “Eat your fritters.”

Harry smiled and ate some fritters, while still reading the article shaking his head.

A few minutes later, he asked “How long do you think before he begins telling people he is the incarnation of Edgar Cayce and starts his own research and enlightenment association?”

“I’m going to burn the next batch, if you don’t start reading something else,” I said. “He thinks he’s doing us a favor. You know we’re not supposed to think for ourselves. For that, we need marketers, high technology, and FoxNews.”

Friday, August 6, 2010

Can You Type With Your Toes?

Homeland Security has been studying the incident in Atlanta, GA, where Amy Windom was victimized, but managed to send a life saving text message from her laptop using her toes. Now Homeland Security has signed an agreement with Toshiba for alternative laptop keyboard designs allowing for hallux (toe muscle) deviation. They plan to beta test it in Arizona.

Read news article

After reading the news article, I realized that it’s a good thing Amy is only 39 years old and has good eye sight. I set up my own simulation and couldn’t even find the keyboard with my toes. The first thing that happened was the mouse pad and external mouse hit the floor and joined the dust bunnies under the bed. When I tried to slide my big toe across the keyboard mouse to click on “Start,” to launch the IM software, I got a nervous twitch and hit the quick-scan on my virus protector, so I had to wait an hour.

Since I used my husband’s old police handcuffs to simulate Amy’s wrists tied to the bed post, I also had difficulty trying to grab the key with my other toes. It had taken a nose-dive with the mouse and was wedged between the night stand leg and the molding.

My cell phone was playing video games in the next room, indicating that family members had called about three times already.

I spit out my gum, mashed it into the wedged key with my left foot, and whistled for the Golden Lab, hoping that she would retrieve it for me. All she did was pick both up in her mouth and run out into the kitchen.

I was stuck. It was only 10:00 am. I just laid there trying to figure out how I was going to explain this to whoever came home first.

I quickly thought of answers:

1. Some orangutan broke into our house and mistook me for Harry Callahan’s girlfriend.
2. I’m doing research for a column? - No, too lame.
3. I heard an illegal enter my house, so I figured I’d scare him off?

Mel Brooks’ “History of the World” was playing on the classic movie channel and my bladder finally gave out with Harvey Korman. I’m in the soup:

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Billionaires Do Something Useful

I’m not quite sure if they can save Social Security or will even try, but I had to do a double-take when I saw that Warren Buffett and Bill Gates, two card sharks from cyberspace, actually convinced over 40 billionaire friends to donate half their fortunes to charity.

Read news article

You remember Buffett from Omaha. He’s the guy who asked people to invest $10,000 with his company back in the late 50s/early 60s, and not ask for any of it back until December 31st each year. You had a one-day window of opportunity to sell your shares. That's when Berkshire Hathaway was selling for about $14 a share on Wall Street, mortgages were averaging $10,000.00, and you could buy a new car for less than $2,000.

Couldn’t you kick yourself? Warren still eats hamburgers and “A” shares of Berkshire are now selling for $120,000 each. I was too young to invest at the time, and my allowance wouldn’t cover it; but I often thought about writing a book about time travel where the protagonist meets up with Christopher Lloyd, travels back to 1960, moves to Omaha, and gets rich.

Bill Gates used to be on my “S*it” list. I’ve cussed out Windows so many times that I’m surprised that it doesn’t give me more error messages at startup. It all began back in the 1980s when I just loved the control of using Norton Commander on my 70% IBM-compatible PC. I had everything down to a science using function keys. Then, Windows came along and screwed up everything. My PC became the Twilight Zone. If you are a techie, you know what I’m talking about. Everything has to be developed their way. Software is the only product in America that has quality control guidelines allowing it to be released with bugs. If Toyota tries it, it’s a major recall.

So now these two guys have started a charitable organization called The Giving Pledge. Of the 400 billionaires in America, they have convinced 40 of them, so far, to join and donate half their fortunes to charity. I was always told that charity begins at home, so I will send them my address upon request. Poor writers have good use for petty cash. My writer friend, Sherry, is having her 10th baby in January. We can do something about the floccinaucinihilipilification of our respective budgets.