Sunday, July 24, 2011

Go Phillies!

by Rose A. Valenta

While the Philadelphia Phillies prepare to beat the San Diego Padres, they reactivated former closer Brad Lidge. He has not pitched due to elbow and shoulder injuries. Lidge is the reason the Phillies won the 2008 World Series.

To paraphrase Maurice Chevalier, "Oh yes, I remember it well."

It took 28 years for the Phillies to take the World Series Championship; they did it with a 4-3 win over the Tampa Bay Rays on October 29, 2008.

South Philadelphia fans went nuts as Brad Lidge and the Phillies took out the Rays in a three-inning game, which had been suspended due to weather conditions. It is the first victory since 1980 for the Phillies and the end of the alleged Billy Penn curse.

The Billy Penn curse affected all of the major Philadelphia sports teams since the construction of the One Liberty Place skyscraper that had the audacity to tower over Billy’s head atop City Hall. It was built in 1987. From 1987 to 2008, no Philadelphia sports team won a major league victory. Then in 2007, Comcast decided to put a Billy Penn statue atop the Comcast Center, the tallest building in the city. Billy liked that.

When the Phillies won in 2008, it ended the curse.

Tens of thousands of fans were celebrating in the streets, as South Broad Street was closed to traffic all evening. Seventy six arrests later, Police Commissioner, Charles H. Ramsey, was overheard saying "I got a touch of a hangover, don't push me," in response to a fan yelling "Where's the whiskey Mr. Macklin?"

Mrs. Giordano took off her usual black mourning attire for the occasion and wore a long red dress by Target. She was so excited over at Mama Mia's that she took the "evil eye" off of the Ray's Evan Longoria free of charge. Philly cheese steaks were on the house.

"Hey Vito, looka Joey! He looka just like that guy, Spencer Tracy, alone ina his boat," she said, refering to her favorite Tracy film "The Old Man and The Sea."

Vito Salerno took pity on Joey Maddon after he found out that the Rays got thrown out of their hotel after the last game was postponed and they had to find accommodations at a stable in Wilmington, Delaware. The fans had everything else booked within a 100-mile radius.

Vito bought Joey a few boiler makers, broke out his Castiglione, and sang "O Solo Mio."

Mayor Nutter was telling fans, who were planning to call out sick from work, to wait until Friday. The World Series Parade began at noon on Friday, at 20th and Market Sts. and ended back at the Sports Complex.

"You can be joyous, but you can't be a jackass," he told news reporters. I think he was referring to media behavior at the parade, especially pinhead Bill O’Reilly, who doesn’t know Jack Schitt about the legal system or baseball.


© 2011, Valenta, All rights reserved.

To read my column Skinny Dipping click here

To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Nikita Khrushchev's Great-Grandmother?

I didn't get a chance to ask Joe McNally of National Geographic if he took this photo in Moscow, but now scientists are convinced that all of us have some Neandrathal DNA. If I'm not mistaken, Nikita had a woolie fetish and was obsessed with shoes and wrestling.

Now I know why we humans have such a tough time supressing our primal urges, like throwing the TV remote control out of a 10 story building in a single bound and sympathizing with Black Eyed Peas. It also explains loud snoring, culinary oddities like eating undercooked steak and eggs, and hanging out in sushi bars.

Read the article Click here

I won't even go into fast cars, contact sports and Olympic Games, Okay? I have enough trouble understanding Bruno Mars music.

When was the last time your husband mimed "Get me a beer" with a mouth full of buffalo chicken, while you cupped your ear "ey?" and grunted, right?

Now we know!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

A Salute to the Average!!

By Jody Worsham

All rights reserved for average t-shirt franchise

Somewhere along the way “Average” has become an adjective that applies to everyone else. Parents are screaming about testing, obviously inaccurate, that shows that their child is average. I have adopted the position that being average makes my child stand out from the crowd.

Think about it. In ballet class, every parent thinks their ballerina is superior, above average. My child is an average dancer, the only one it seems, so when the recital comes around, the entire superior above average dancers will be crowded onto the stage all dancing together and being compared to each other. My average dancer will be dancing a solo, since there are no other average dancers at the studio. There will be no one to compare her to; therefore, she will dance beautifully with no discernable mistakes and receive a standing ovation.

Then there are those SAT test scores. My child is average and will score that way on the SAT test. Because of this, others will look much smarter and more intelligent than they really are. In fact, the worse my child scores on the test, the better others will look. I can foresee desperate parents recruiting average students to enroll in classes designed to help them dumb-down before the tests in order to tilt their child’s scores upward. However, because my child is just “average”, she may qualify for all kinds of grants and incentives to help colleges and universities look like they are non-discriminatory and serving the needs of the average person as well as the super elite.

Being average can also keep you from being clobbered in dodge ball in required P.E. classes. Far superior athletes will be chosen first. The average will be chosen in the middle and the poorly skilled will be chosen last. During the game, the far superior athletes will go after the poorest players first. The average person, hiding in the corner, will be pretty much ignored until the end. By that time the far superior athletes will have worn themselves out pulverizing the easy targets and will lose their steam when it comes to attacking the average. The average players will take advantage of the situation and will triumph. Having defeated the top far superior athletes, the average will come to the attention of professional dodge ball coaches who are recruiting.

The Olympic coaches will then rethink the average child’s abilities and increase their interest. The professional recruiters will then become more aggressive and will up their offers. Once your child accepts, signs the five year no-cut contract, and is shuffled off to training camp, you can relax. Soon the coaches will discover that your child really is average and will be benched, safe from being pulverized by other powerful dodge ball athletes…but the no-cut contract is binding. The money keeps coming in and average wins again.

With the income, your child can open an Average Store. T shirts could sport logos that say “Robbers, don’t bother. All credit, no cash”, or “Jenny Craig, Go Away, My weight is Average”. The IRS would ignore your child’s business, because, after all, it’s just average. It’s a win win situation.

So the next time your friends begin bragging about their super superior children, just smile and say “No need to thank me; if it wasn’t for my child, yours would just be average. Want a t-shirt?”

I hope you enjoyed this guest post today by my friend, Jody Worsham. She adopted two children while in her 60s and has a humorous perspective on parenting. Please visit her website The Medicare Mom at the link below:

“When I found myself in the role of parent at age 61 to a one day old and a three year old, I began writing humor; actually I began living humor. This age and stage has given me a different perspective on car seats, potty training, homework, and the golden arches. Oh, and let’s not forget the fun and fumbles of parenting-past-your-prime which has resulted in The Medicare Mom - ” ~ Jody Worsham