Tuesday, December 11, 2012

IF PLATO TWEETED: A TECHNO-DEFENSE OF SOCRATES

by Ed Tasca

@Platothephilosopher
None wiser than Socrates. The Oracle said so. He’s in danger. I need your help.

@ChaerephonCherrie
I’m heading to my mother’s for lunch.

@Platothephilosopher
Our great teacher could be facing a death sentence. For accusations of impiety.

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
Tell him to shave his beard and dress conservatively.

@Platothephilosopher
True wisdom belongs to the gods, he says. Human wisdom has little value. This is an attempt to show humility and virtue. Is that impiety?

@ChaerephonCherrie
I might come if I catch up on my txting.

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
I’m at the agora. I’m stuck behind another Dionysian parade.

@olympusrules_Meletus
U go to Glucosamine’s party last nite?

@Platothephilosopher
Meletus, you were the one who brought the charges against our great teacher. And all you care about is Glucosamine’s party?

@olympusrules_Meletus
Plato, my inbox is on overload! Give it a rest!

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
Meletus, Glucosamine had a zoo there. I don’t mean his theatre friends. He had a real zoo. Snakes, wild boar, monkeys. The bomb!

@Platothephilosopher
Meletus, please reconsider your “corruption of youth” charge. You asked Socrates if there was a Zeus.

@olympusrules_Meletus
He said there’s no scientific evidence there’s a Zeus. I said then who crtd the universe? As usual, he answered with a ?: Who the hell knows?

@Platothephilosopher
That’s not corruption of youth! And he didn’t say, “Who the hell knows?”

@olympusrules_Meletus
Maybe I was just pissed at him answering questions with another gd question!!!

@Platothephilosopher
Where’s Chaerephon on this?

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
His server’s out.

@olympusrules_Meletus
Socrates is an atheist. I testified as much. Did my duty 4 the good of the state.

@Platothephilosopher
Meletus, you admitted Socrates taught you to believe in spiritual guidance. How could he be an atheist?

@olympusrules_Meletus
We worshipped Dionysus together!! Got totally pissed. That was my spiritual guidance!

@Platothephilosopher
Your accusations about Socrates are contradictory.

@olympusrules_Meletus
It’s not a contradiction. An atheist can still mouth things spiritual. Look at every politician!

@Platothephilosopher
Socrates is not afraid of death. He will die to make his point to the court.

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
What’s wrong with just an “objection?” *s*

@olympusrules_Meletus
Who saw Phidias’s new nude? Hot! He says it’s Aphrodite. Come on, it’s the spittin’ image of Analgesia, the waitress at Sons of Helen bistro.

@Platothephilosopher
Meletus, we’re talking about a man’s life here. A life devoted to searching for the truth.

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
That hairy old bastard.

@Platothephilosopher
Prostatitis, have a little respect. The man’s in the throes of despair.

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
I was talking about Phidias.

@olympusrules_Meletus
Tell him plea bargain. So he goes to Sicily. Yeah, there’s Etna and racketeering. But it’s better than the alternative.#sicilycenteroftheworld

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
Twalking: Dionysian parade getng bigger, crazier. I’m stopng 4 eggs. Scrambled with chopped olives! I love it. Meet me. Whoever.

@Platothephilosopher
Socrates has said we who fear death show our ignorance. Death may be a great blessing. It’s time to demonstrate that personal courage isn’t fu

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
What’s “fu?” What the hll r u talkng about?

@olympusrules_Meletus
You know what? Personal courage is a humongous f.u. when you wind up with a hemlock cocktail.

@Platothephilosopher
Futile. Futile! I was saying Futile in the face of sophism.

@olympusrules_Meletus
If death’s so great, y does everybody pay any quack any amount of $ to cure them of every phlegm and heartburn?

@Platothephilosopher
@olympusrules_Meletus, you’re the impious one, you and Aristophanes. You’re the ones corrupting Athenian youth with your slander and your sarc

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
Sarc? For Olympus’s sake, Plato, learn how to tweet. All ur tweets are 2 long and don’t make sense.

@Platothephilospher
I’m sorry for my intrusive literacy. But a stark 142 character communiqué is a fey child’s game, inadequate to persuade foolish youths to do

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
To do what??

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
I made it to the Sons of Helen bistro. Analgesia, that waitress, isn’t here. Phidias must’ve paid her big time. I want to be a sculptor.

@ChaerephonCherrie
I’m back.

@Platothephilosopher
Chaerephon, Will you join me in defense of Socrates?

@ChaerephonCherrie
U still at it? This disrespecting the Gods thing-don’t want 2 b involved. Who they gonna charge next? I like all the gods, goddesses, demigods

@olympusrules_Meletus
Who’s ur favorite?

@ChaerephonCherrie
I’m not done. I like the Fates, the Muses, the Graces, those centaur things, all the nymphs: the Dryades, the Nereides, the Oreiades, who else

@olympusrules_Meletus
Cherrie, calm down!

@ChaerephonCherrie
The Maliades, the Alseides, the Lampades. I’m not corrupted!!! I want that on record. Who’d I leave out?

@olympusrules_Meletus
The Meliai, nymphs of the ash trees.

@ChaerephonCherrie
We have nymphs in our ash trees?

@olympusrules_Meletus
We have nymphs everywhere! Except in my bedroom!

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
For me it’s btwn Artemis when she’s not PO’d, and Zeus, especially when he morphs into animals and screws babes all over the archipelago.

@Platothephilosopher
Socrates has no favorites. He says we learn moral goodness and truth from ALL the immortals.

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
I’m signing off. I’m getting lunch. And then I have to walk my dog. Tip: follow Glucosamine #FF. He’s funny and he knows when to twitter off

@olympusrules_Meletus
Epicurus Don’t sign off. Tell Glucosamine I want an invite 2 next bash. TMB

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
Lysistrata Dress Rehearsal. Comp tickets 4 2N!

@olympusrules_Meletus
Fab! I’m going!

@Platothephilosopher
Aristophanes, join me at the courthouse, please. Many follow you.

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
I’m at the theatre. Lysistrata looks like a hit.

@Platothephilosopher
Let me tell you what Socrates is saying about acquiring virtue.

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
Screw Socrates. Who gives a s__t what he’s saying about acquiring virtue. My inbox is on overload with this Socrates crap!!!!

@ChaerephonCherrie
That’s how MY server went down!

@Platothephilosopher
Aristophanes, come to the court before the show. They will come if you do.

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
I have to do a costume change. Lysistrata is wearing something that looks like it was torn off a Roman whore.

@olympusrules_Meletus
OMG! I just found a great place selling figs. 2 drachmae and u fill a basket. Agora_n.w.corner.com

@Platothephilosopher
I’ve arrived at the court. Socrates says he’s a misunderstood benefactor to Athens, not an enemy! As such he should be given free meals, if we

@olympusrules_Meletus
If we what???

@ChaerephonCherrie
My server went out again. What’s going on? I’m at my mother’s. She made my fav, Spanakopita. YUM! Recipe@Cherrieblog.com

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
I’m back! Is Plato done? I’m not following him anymore. Glucosamine’s, next full moon.

@Platothephilosopher
STOP. Socrates has an idea. He suggests he just pay a fine of 100 drachmae. As he has little funds of his own, I say we all chip in, let’s say

@olympusrules_Meletus
LOL. LOL. LOL.

~~~
This week’s guest columnist, Ed Tasca, Lives in Ajijic, Mexico. He is originally from Philadelphia, PA, and has authored six works of fiction. Ed writes a humor column for Ojo del Lago, Mexico’s largest English language magazine.

Ed is the grand prize winner in the 2011 Screenplay Search Competition. Winner of the prestigious Robert Benchley Society Humor Award for 2009. Also winner of humorpress.com awards, M. Culbertson’s Life and Humor Award, Ojo del Lago Award for Humor. Humor essays have appeared in publications in the U.S., Canada, England, Italy and Mexico. Anthologized in: American’s Funniest Humor, 2006, Laugh Your Shorts Off, 2009. Provides an explanation of the vast influence of Robert Benchley in a new edition of Robert Benchley’s humor essays.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Did the First Turducken Happen in Mid-Air?

by Rose A. Valenta

Bah! Humbug!" ~ Ebenezer Scrooge

How do you actually plan for a fiasco? I asked myself after planning to put a bicycle lock on the can of whipping cream in the refrigerator. The adults misbehave at Christmas worse than the kids. Uncles Harry and Dick have never quite grown up, thanks to the enablers, who keep inviting them over for dinner. I pondered their next move.

Last year, Christmas got off to a good start. Just before dinner, my son-in-law hit his head on an heirloom sconce in the dining room; it crashed, sending about a thousand tiny glass slivers all over the floor. This was even before beer and wine were served.

Plates and glasses were snatched off the set table and rewashed as a just-in-case maneuver. Luckily, the buffet was safely in the next room. Condiments were moved closer to the Infant of Prague statue and prayed over, while salt was thrown over about a dozen shoulders.

At prayer time, our 6-year-old pagan, Missy, was sucking her thumb and screaming expletives that she had learned from her older brother during an Xbox game. We used duct tape and said an Act of Contrition. We also threatened to blow up the NORAD Santa tracker before he got to our house.

We had ham and turkey, and a wide variety of side dishes. Since our family is diverse, the sides ranged from carrot raisin casserole to Arroz Rojo to pot stickers. Everybody avoided cousin Kim's Kung Pao gizzards and "Elf balls." At least that is what it sounded like she said.

After beer was served, Uncles Harry and Dick got into a heated argument over the White House Christmas tree. Harry swore that it was a Kwanzaa tree with seven branches, while Dick said that was unconstitutional, unless they also added a Menorah and Nativity scene. They also fought over whether or not the very first Turducken happened in mid-air. Every year, they pick something ridiculous to fight about.

By dessert time, Harry had already spritzed whipping cream on Dick’s nose, hoping the family dog, Spuds, would attack him. Spuds maintained his cool, drooled over the cheerleaders on the TV, then looked at Dick’s nostrils and groaned. In his youth, Dick used to look like Jimmy Durante; now that he is older, and certain body parts are succumbing to gravity, he closely resembles a Proboscis monkey.



I already had Harry’s sleeping bag out in the barn with the kerosene heater. I was leaving nothing to chance.

The men went into the family room to watch football, teenagers were champing at the bit to go to the mall the next day, little ones sat playing Penguins and Facebook games on several hi-tech iPods and notebook PCs, our Grandson was on his 25th rendition of "I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas" on the Nintendo guitar, the cat was chasing its eye-floaters, and the rest of us sat around the dining room table gossiping. We finally agreed that the first Turducken actually did happen in mid-air over Uncle Harry's house and dropped down the chimney while he was watching his signature film "Alive" for the 100th time.

My eyes were as glazed over as our left-over ham by 11:00 pm, so I excused myself and went upstairs; leaving my husband to entertain our overnight guests. About five minutes later, he snuck upstairs and accused me of abandoning ship.

“Football doesn’t turn me on,” I said. “Besides, look at the bright side, your mundane life would suck without overnight house guests trying to come up with a great theme song for the NY Giants.”

I am so not looking forward to another family fiasco!



© 2010-2012, Valenta, All rights reserved.

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